laughs of the day

Jokes, Riddles and Trivia. Keep them clean please!

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bristleposh
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Re: laughs of the day

Post by bristleposh » 12 Dec 2019, 22:36

Just got the Mrs a new bag and a new belt for Chritmas.

She'll be made up!

The hoovers as good as new now.
When you are dead, you don't know you're dead.
It's difficult only for the others.
It's the same when you are stupid

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bristleposh
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Re: laughs of the day

Post by bristleposh » 24 Dec 2019, 18:27

if I put a 12 pound turkey in a fan assisted oven at 180C does anyone know how long it will take to die?
When you are dead, you don't know you're dead.
It's difficult only for the others.
It's the same when you are stupid

DoubleRay
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Re: laughs of the day

Post by DoubleRay » 06 Jan 2020, 12:36

I put a bet on a horse that had excellent breeding.
After the horse left the starting gate, he stopped and closed it behind him.


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tonyp
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Re: laughs of the day

Post by tonyp » 07 Jan 2020, 09:50

A Greek gentleman and an Irishman were sitting in a Starbucks one day comparing their two cultures.

Over a double latte, the Greek mentions “You may recall that we built the Pantheon, along with the Temple of Apollo.”

“Well, it was the Irish that discovered the Summer and Winter Solstices.”

“But it was the Greeks who gave birth to advanced mathematics.”

“Granted, but it was the Irish who built the first timepieces.”

Knowing that he’s about to deliver the coup de grace, the son of Athens points out with a note of finality:

“Keep in mind that it was the ancient Greeks who invented the notion of sex as a pleasurable activity!”

“True enough, but it was the Irish who got women involved.”
Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow - Albert Einstein

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bristleposh
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Re: laughs of the day

Post by bristleposh » 07 Jan 2020, 10:38

:lol:

Why on earth would they want to involve women
When you are dead, you don't know you're dead.
It's difficult only for the others.
It's the same when you are stupid

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bristleposh
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Re: laughs of the day

Post by bristleposh » 22 Jan 2020, 16:38

I've decided to cut down on smoking and masturbation during January. I've got down to about ten a day, but I'm still smoking quite a lot.
When you are dead, you don't know you're dead.
It's difficult only for the others.
It's the same when you are stupid

daib0
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Re: laughs of the day

Post by daib0 » 22 Jan 2020, 19:35

bristleposh wrote:
22 Jan 2020, 16:38
I've decided to cut down on smoking and masturbation during January. I've got down to about ten a day, but I'm still smoking quite a lot.
He: “Do you smoke after sex?”

She: “I don’t know. I’ve never looked.” :D
A friendly Reading FC fan! He is a moderator here: http://www.extremefootballforum.com/forum

daib0
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Re: laughs of the day

Post by daib0 » 23 Jan 2020, 22:11

A bird from Chatham goes home one night with a guy she met in a pub. He's tall, good looking, and seems different than most men. They arrive at his place and head straight to his bedroom.
She can't help but notice shelves full of teddy bears. On the bottom are small teddy bears, on the middle are medium-sized teddy bears, and finally, on the top are large teddy bears, all lined up beside each other. She begins to think that he is sentimental and sweet, and he isn't afraid to show it.
Her heart melts and she want to give him the night of his life. She gives him a blowjob, and lets him really give it to her, and even takes it again! In the morning, she slowly gets dressed, and smiles at him and asks,
"How was that?"
He nods and says, "Not too bad at all. Help yourself to a prize on the second shelf.”
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Lester Bangs
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Re: laughs of the day

Post by Lester Bangs » 13 Feb 2020, 18:21

A man walks into a pub and he sees a horse serving behind the bar.

The horse sees that he's getting funny looks off the man and says

"What's a matter pal? Have you never seen a horse serving drinks before?"

And the man says

"It's not that, mate. I never thought the parrot would sell the place"
The ultimate sin of any performer is contempt for the audience.

daib0
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Re: laughs of the day

Post by daib0 » 13 Feb 2020, 19:05

THE ITALIAN WEDDING

I was a very happy man. My wonderful Italian girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year. So we decided to get married.
There was only one little thing bothering me. It was her beautiful younger sister, Sofia. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less.

She would regularly bend down when she was near me. I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. She never did it around anyone else.

One day she called me and asked me to come over. 'To check my Sister's wedding- invitations' she said.
She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to m e that she had feelings and desires for me. She couldn't overcome them anymore. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married. She said "Before you commit your life to my sister". Well, I was in total shock, and I couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom" she said, "if you want one last wild fling, just come up and have me".

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment. Then turned and made a bee-line straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me. He said, 'My son, we are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family my son.'

And the moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car!!
A friendly Reading FC fan! He is a moderator here: http://www.extremefootballforum.com/forum

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bristleposh
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Re: laughs of the day

Post by bristleposh » 13 Feb 2020, 22:00

😂😂😂
When you are dead, you don't know you're dead.
It's difficult only for the others.
It's the same when you are stupid

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Meatspinner
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Re: laughs of the day

Post by Meatspinner » 24 Feb 2020, 23:44

I went in John Lewis and said can someone sell me a kettle?

The bloke said Kenwood?

I said where’s he then?

Reginald Freemasonry
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Re: laughs of the day

Post by Reginald Freemasonry » 25 Feb 2020, 15:06

A Wobblers fan recently appeared The Chase and took a load of his Wobbler mates with him for support.

Bradley Walsh asks what’s 15 + 15? The Wobb guesses at 18.

All the Wobblers in the crowd started shouting "give him another chance give him another chance."

So Bradley Walsh says we’ll give him another chance.

He then asks what’s 5 + 5? And The Wobb says 90.

All the Wobblers in the crowd shout again "give him another chance, give him another chance!"

Bradley Walsh heaves a sigh and asks "What is 2 + 2?"

After a lot of thought the Wobb answers 4 .

And all the Wobblers in the crowd get up and shout "give him another chance give him another chance!"

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bristleposh
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Re: laughs of the day

Post by bristleposh » 25 Feb 2020, 21:44

Boom boom
When you are dead, you don't know you're dead.
It's difficult only for the others.
It's the same when you are stupid

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Meatspinner
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Re: laughs of the day

Post by Meatspinner » Today, 13:18

Has anybody tried that new coconut shampoo?


It leaves your coconuts looking fabulous

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