laughs of the day

Jokes, Riddles and Trivia. Keep them clean please!

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tonyp
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Re: laughs of the day

Post by tonyp » 21 Oct 2019, 21:39

bristleposh wrote:
20 Oct 2019, 22:01
How many dyslexics does it take to change a light bulb?
How many dyslexics does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Dyslexia is a cognitive learning disability characterized by the sufferer's inability to fluently spell, speak and read. Being a intellectual disability, the chances that dyslexia could impair the practical functionality of a sufferer are very slim and hence it it is highly probable that it would only take one dyslexic to change a light bulb in the simplest of conditions.
However, to definitively answer this question, I would have to know a range of variables such as the height above the ground at which the light socket is mounted, the physical height of the dyslexic, the voltage and amp characteristics of the light-bulb itself, the physical well-being of the dyslexic etc. These variables are unknown, are not mentioned in the initial question (as is common for this type of question) and hence, I cannot answer this question to any degree of accuracy.
Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow - Albert Einstein

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bristleposh
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Re: laughs of the day

Post by bristleposh » 04 Nov 2019, 23:38

If I got 50p for every maths test I've failed.

I'd have about £9.20 by now.
The Difference Between Stupidity and Genius Is That Genius Has Its Limits

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Re: laughs of the day

Post by bristleposh » 11 Nov 2019, 19:34

I didn't think wearing orthopedic shoes would help...

...but I stand corrected.
The Difference Between Stupidity and Genius Is That Genius Has Its Limits

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Re: laughs of the day

Post by bristleposh » 20 Nov 2019, 20:12

Image
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tonyp
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Re: laughs of the day

Post by tonyp » 26 Nov 2019, 09:56

In a recent survey carried out for one of the leading toiletries firms, 'Brut', people from Bristol have been shown to be the most likely to have had sex in the shower.

In the survey, 86% of Bristol's residents said that they have enjoyed sex in the shower.

The other 14% said they hadn't been to prison yet.
Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow - Albert Einstein

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tonyp
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Re: laughs of the day

Post by tonyp » 26 Nov 2019, 09:59

A couple of friends made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death.

Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife at all. After a long life, Frank was the first to die.

True to his word, he made the first contact:

"Chris, Chris, can you hear me?"

"Is that you, Frank?"

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

"That's wonderful! What's it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex and then I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course"

I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times..
Then I have lunch (and Chris, you'd be proud -- lots of greens).

Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon.

After supper, it's back to the golf course again.

Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again"

"Oh, Frank! Are you in Heaven?"

"No -- I'm a rabbit somewhere in Arizona
Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow - Albert Einstein

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bristleposh
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Re: laughs of the day

Post by bristleposh » 28 Nov 2019, 21:18

What’s the difference between a Chick pea and a lentil?

I’ve never had a lentil on my face
The Difference Between Stupidity and Genius Is That Genius Has Its Limits

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tonyp
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Re: laughs of the day

Post by tonyp » 06 Dec 2019, 10:18

bristleposh wrote:
28 Nov 2019, 21:18
What’s the difference between a Chick pea and a lentil?

I’ve never had a lentil on my face
You can replace lentils with chickpeas in most recipes. They don't have the same taste or texture as lentils, but they will work just as well. If you're using canned chickpeas, drain then rinse the chickpeas and use them following recipe instructions.

Don't put either of them on your face.
Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow - Albert Einstein

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bristleposh
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Re: laughs of the day

Post by bristleposh » 06 Dec 2019, 13:16

tonyp wrote:
06 Dec 2019, 10:18
bristleposh wrote:
28 Nov 2019, 21:18
What’s the difference between a Chick pea and a lentil?

I’ve never had a lentil on my face
You can replace lentils with chickpeas in most recipes. They don't have the same taste or texture as lentils, but they will work just as well. If you're using canned chickpeas, drain then rinse the chickpeas and use them following recipe instructions.

Don't put either of them on your face.
I’m assuming you didn’t get the joke
The Difference Between Stupidity and Genius Is That Genius Has Its Limits

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tonyp
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Re: laughs of the day

Post by tonyp » 06 Dec 2019, 21:44

bristleposh wrote:
06 Dec 2019, 13:16
tonyp wrote:
06 Dec 2019, 10:18
bristleposh wrote:
28 Nov 2019, 21:18
What’s the difference between a Chick pea and a lentil?

I’ve never had a lentil on my face
You can replace lentils with chickpeas in most recipes. They don't have the same taste or texture as lentils, but they will work just as well. If you're using canned chickpeas, drain then rinse the chickpeas and use them following recipe instructions.

Don't put either of them on your face.
I’m assuming you didn’t get the joke
I'm assuming you didn't.
Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow - Albert Einstein

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bristleposh
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Re: laughs of the day

Post by bristleposh » 06 Dec 2019, 22:00

If yours was a joke then sadly I didn't get it
The Difference Between Stupidity and Genius Is That Genius Has Its Limits

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tonyp
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Re: laughs of the day

Post by tonyp » 06 Dec 2019, 22:09

bristleposh wrote:
06 Dec 2019, 22:00
If yours was a joke then sadly I didn't get it
Never mind Nick. You can't get them all.

Your "joke" was referring to a female sitting on your face and urinating.
I don't think that's funny either.
My "joke" was explaining what the differences between chickpeas and lentils are.
Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow - Albert Einstein

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bristleposh
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Re: laughs of the day

Post by bristleposh » 07 Dec 2019, 21:12

Not one of my normal posts. Bit more serious. If anybody knows of any lonely old people who will be eating Christmas dinner alone because they have no family or close friends, can they let me know please.
I need to borrow some chairs.
The Difference Between Stupidity and Genius Is That Genius Has Its Limits

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tonyp
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Re: laughs of the day

Post by tonyp » 08 Dec 2019, 02:03

I thought all of your jokes were serious.
Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow - Albert Einstein

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poshaussie
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Re: laughs of the day

Post by poshaussie » 09 Dec 2019, 10:10

tonyp wrote:
08 Dec 2019, 02:03
I thought all of your jokes were serious.
That's the best joke.
Born and bred in Queensland
Queensland - Beautiful One Day, Perfect The Next

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